I’m William. Some call me Bill. Bill Shakespeare. I live in EuroAsia in the Byzantine Empire in a town called Constantinople. It’s a nice town. You might have heard of it. Next year I hear that the Muslims are going to invade and sack our hamlet and change its name to Istanbul. (Laughs bemusedly) Those Muslims, you never know what they’ll think of next. They’re raping and pillaging one day and fasting the next. I could care less though. I’m Jewish.

Like all Jews, I have a story to tell.The other day I met a fellow from India named Sir Francis Drake. Mr. Drake is a pirate and is staying with me seeking political asylum from Cuba. I am quite amused by Mr. Drake. Piracy is somewhat of a romantic notion to me, one which is rather antiquated. I accept Mr. Drake nonetheless. Mr. Drake is also a Christian. He was converted in North America by the notorious apostle Paul. I have heard of this Paul fellow. He was a smart guy, about 6’4 with blonde hair and a goatee. He spoke fluent Byzantine and he was quite convincing in his argument for salvation in Jesus. Were I weaker minded I would have fallen for it. However, I have learned not to trust blondes with goatees. Mr. Drake and I go around and around on whether or not Jesus was the messiah.

The other day I was in my house when I saw my wife, Lady Tammy Fay Baker, crying. At that point I realized what a miserable wretch I am. Right there I asked Jesus to come into my heart by reading the prayer from the tract that Mr. Drake had given me.

I have been completely happy and satisfied ever since. I am now a poet and playwright and I thoroughly enjoy couplets and Iambic Pentameter. Perhaps you should become a Christian too!

Author’s Note: This piece contains many anachronisms, historical inaccuracies, and even a couple of pure fallacies. All of them were intentional. I have not attempted to copy anyone else’s’ styles or ideas. This is pure, original stupidity. Enjoy.

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