Dear [NAME OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE ORGANIZATION FOR AMERICAN FUNERAL HOME DIRECTORS],

Sir, I thank you for this brief allowance of your time. I am the Director of Research for a Major Furniture Designer, a company who prizes their trend-defying adherence to modernity, class, and visual sophistication. My job is to realize the future of interior decorating. I am responsible, almost solely, for setting the trends that guide the way you, or the sophisticated trend-savvy consumer, buy your furniture and decorate your home and office.

I come to you in the gravest secrecy, with an idea that may change your life, my life, and the lives of people who inhabit every level of the social, economic, educational castes. I tell you, sir, in the most candid manner possible, that the success of our collaboration will determine the future of ambiances everywhere. We are the future. We are the future.

You are skeptical, yes, I know. Even as I write this I can visualize that confused-as-blinkin'-heck look that is undoubtedly on your face. I will explain, with a single word, what contribution you can make that will change the face, and albeit, soul, of interior decorating forever: bodies.

Keep your lunch in check, sir, while I explain. History has proven that it repeats itself. Our country (despite my Swedish heritage, the consumer-driven nature of my occupation demands that I embrace American culture as my own, which I do, gladly) has progressed, and progressed, and progressed, and at last, reached a climax. The sophisticates, with all their PhDs and trust funds and martinis, have always demanded that the rules be pushed further, and now their entertainment desires are paralleling those of the Roman Empire, from their reality television shows and televised deaths to their talk shows and consumer-driven paparazzi. Humans, sir, humans. Humans are the most interesting creatures ever to evolve, and the all of the real and horrible things that happen to them are what keeps our eyes glued to our Weekly World Newses and our Matt Drugdes and our CNN-dot-coms.

Sex sells, yes, but sex between real people sells better; hence, "Monicagate." Violence sells, but violence that involves real people sells better; hence, Mr. Simpson.

I have still not made myself clear, so I will illustrate my idea with an illustration. Imagine two celebrities, say Keanu Reeves, and Drew Barrymore, both celebrities, both actors, both prolific lives. Now imagine an affair between Ms. Barrymore and Mr. Reeves, an affair that is hot and torrid and passionate and wrought with jealous accusations of gross perversity. Now imagine that this once-clandestine affair ends in nation-awakening violence. Perhaps, say, Mr. Reeves and Ms. Barrymore, while engaged in an intense domestic dispute, which, upon escalating to violence, resulted in death, as they killed each other in the most brutal ways imaginable.

Now imagine this. You have been elected, by the members of your Most Socially Elite Society of Manhattan sophisticates, to host the annual Christmas party. Last year's hosts hosted their party in a manner so elegant, so savvy, so contemporary, that to surpass them would be, in a word, impossible. Unless. Yes, unless.

Unless the guests would enter your residence, mount the stairs, and came face-to-face with two circular glass containers, that contain, amidst a clear gelatin substance, the burnt and slashed bodies of Mr. Reeves and Ms. Barrymore.

Yes. I will pause while you enjoy that image. Now think of the amazement, the wonder, and the gut-wrenching envy that your guests, the socialite columnists, and the rest of the world will experience. Your home will be forever unique, for there will be only one severely burnt Mr. Reeves and only one severely slashed Ms. Barrymore, and you will have them both.

Think on it, my good President of the Organization of American Funeral Home Directors. Dwell on it. See the brilliance, appreciate the postmodern irreverence, imagine the success, and e-mail me by Tuesday.

I bid you farewell,

[NAME OF THE DIRECTOR OF RESEARCH FOR A MAJOR FURNITURE DESIGNER]

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