Dear Editor of the Moody Bible Institute-based Moody Student newspaper,

Today I did many things. I went to the Student Dining Room and ate some Lucky Charms for lunch. I also drank some milk for lunch; it was mixed in the bowl with my Luck Charms. As I was drinking the milk and listening to the smart conversations at the table where I find myself, regretfully, most often sitting, I was struck with a startling revelation. I said to myself, as I sat there, consumed with my inner thoughts, "self, you have realized the truth about milk." And I will share with you now, my sweet and beautiful Editor, and all of your loyal readers, the three truths of milk.

Number one. Milk is white. If it is not white, and you still believe it is milk, then you are on drugs and I want some of your drugs and so do my friends.

Number two. Milk comes from cows. If you think milk does not come from cows you may be correct, but this is my frikken letter, so shut your fat presumptuous cake hole!

Number three. Urine, when it exits the body, is hot. I know this because I test my urine at least two times each day. As that bright orange stream of urine flows from me and before it splatters against the white porcelain wall of the urinal, I touch it with my index finger. I do this to make sure that it is still hot. If it is not hot then I am dead, and I do not want to be dead.

Sincerely,

Matt Shaw

LETTERS FROM READERS