Hello. I am the elevator. My nickname is 'vadar. Today I had many passengers. At midnight I carried a group of passengers who came from the first floor and went to different floors above the first floor. One of those passengers was Damiani. He was wearing glasses and speaking in short and concise sentences. Another of the passengers was Troy. He was wearing a hat and laughing, loudly. Also riding me, 'vadar, was Einer. He does not live in this hall but he rides me anyway. I like it when people ride me. With me, there is a free ride, always.

Hello. I am Troy's hat. I am sitting on his head. His hair is spiked and it is poking into me like a thousand hot knives poking into the pinkish milky skin of a suckling pig.

Hello. I am donut from Krispy Kreme. I am on 'vadar, too. I was born one hour ago. I was born with thousands of brothers and sisters. Coming into this world was a joy. I am covered with a black chocolate coating and I am a delectable treat. My first and second cousins were adopted by a fat man with a beard that was covered with charbroiled steak and Ralph's brand junk food from Ralph's Supermarket. My brothers and sisters are almost all gone. I am sitting in my home, a white box, waiting to be taken. I do not want to be taken. I want to sit in this box for two days until someone puts me on the altar and then I want to sit on the altar for three days and then I want to be thrown into the garbage. When I am thrown in the garbage I will meet a lot of friends. I will meet Humus and Pesto sauce and old cheese and we will talk dirty. After I have been in the garbage for seven days I will be free. I will be located. Oh! Pooh! A mouth!

Hello. I am a mouth. I just ate that annoying donut from Krispy Kreme.

Hello. I am Joe Stowell. I am the President of Moody Bible Institute. Sometimes, when I am sermonizing to the students of Moody Bible Institute, I record my sermons and I replay them via the radio on Sunday morning. Many of the listeners think that they are listening to me speaking live. I have them tricked. People are so gullible. I have them fooled.

Hello. I am a listener. On Sunday mornings I listen to Dr. Stowell's live sermons as I drive my car to work at the food mart where I earn minimum wage. Minimum wage is the lowest wage that the food mart--where I work seven days a week--can pay me. Minimum wage is three dollars and twenty-five cents per hour. Someday it will increase. When it increases, my boss will tell me. My boss is a good person. My boss' name is Andy. Last year it was Andrea. The year before that it was Andrew Johnson. The year before that it was Cindy. My boss suffers from a sexual identity crisis.

Hello. I am a sexual identity crisis. I overwhelm and overpower people. They are confused when I come into their lives. I think that my being and my power is hilarious. I make fifty-seven year old grown men turn into little girls. I make them sit down to pee--men who have spent twenty-five hard years of their lives working at the Iron Works and telling racist jokes about women and earning not a lot of money and spending most of it on alcohol; I make them sit down to pee. I'm funny. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Hello. I am funny, too. And I am a nuclear ballistic missile. I was sent into the air by one of those stupid rogue Middle-Eastern countries. I am going to destroy the world. I am going to destroy the Whitehouse, the capitol of the United States of America. I am cool and sleek and dark metal and I am flying through the air on a mission of destruction. Here I come you oppressors of Middle Easterners. Here I come you foolish democratic process lovers. I am flying through the air and I am getting closer and closer to the earth. I can see the Whitehouse. I can see Bill Clinton. He is in his office. Hello, Bill Clinton! Hello! Hello, Al Gore! Hello, Monica, hello!

Hello. I am the floating particles of matter that used to be the earth. My life sucks.

LETTERS FROM READERS