REASONS WHY THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF "THESE SPECIAL HOLIDAY NOTES" WARRANT AN APOLOGY FROM THE AUTHOR

1. The holiday notes contained references to sexual activity. Specifically, they contained references to "sex," and the author did not specify if the sexual activity had taken place/was taking place/was to take place in the context of that holy and sacred union of marriage. Moreover, the author took a subtly negative tone towards people who, in his (arrogant) words, "pretend that [sex] is bad." The author was also vague as to whether those people "pretend that [sex] is bad" with or without the context of the holy and sacred union of marriage. It is now clear to the author that the people who "pretend that [sex] is bad," would only pretend so if the sexual act were to be performed in absence of the context of the said holy and sacred union. Those people are not unreasonable people. They are good people, with good intentions, and this the author acknowledges.
2. The holiday notes contained five references to alcohol, none of which were referred to in a negative context. It is clear to the author now that that alcohol should be referred to in a negative context. At the same time, though, the author is aware that the negativity of the context in which the alcohol should be referred is not the fault of the alcohol or, worse, of the alcohol manufacturers, but it is the result of an improper usage of alcohol by the consumers. This is not to say, though, that the people that use alcohol are bad people. Quite the contrary, he notes, they are good people, with good intentions, and many, many friends. But not so many friends that they have more friends than a person who does not misuse alcohol, but not less friends either.
3. The holiday notes contained a roundabout reference to drug usage. The author wrote, "That would be a really great trippy-like thing and I would want to go in the snow and play and." The author employed "trippy," a word that commonly describes the extreme euphoric state that often results from drug usage. By employing the word in a non-negative context, the author sent a subtle, but calculated, message to America's youth that drug usage is a good, albeit escapist, form of entertainment. This, obviously, is not true. Drugs are bad, bad, bad; and illicit drug users have serious problems, except for the celebrities that are illicit drug users. They do not have problems, they are famous.
4. The holiday notes contained a reference to the Psychological Dissociate Identity Disorder, in which a single person seems to possess two or more distinct identities or personality states, and these take control of the persons behavior at different times. The author of the holiday notes listed himself as "Matt Shaw," but that Matt was truly the author was twice refuted in the body text. In the first paragraph the author wrote first, "My name is Ralph Ingerson," and later, "My name is Ralph." This indicates either a severe instance of the Dissociate Identity Disorder or of theft, for which Matt Shaw should be punished. This is not to say, though, that persons with psychological disorders should be punished, it is to say that persons who commit thievery should be punished.
5. The holiday notes, as a result of the content and the manner with which they were written, indicated multiple instances of Schizophrenia in the author:
   1. Catatonic Schizophrenia: Unusual patterns of motor activity, such as rigid postures; also show speech disturbances such as repetitive behavior.
   2. Disorganized Schizophrenia: Absence of affect, poorly developed delusions, verbal incoherence.
   3. Undifferentiated Schizophrenia: Many symptoms, including delusions, hallucinations, incoherence.
   4. Paranoid Schizophrenia: Preoccupation with one or more sets of delusions, often centering around the belief that others are "out to get" the schizophrenic in some way.
6. The holiday notes contained reminiscing.
7. The holiday notes contained tongue-in-cheek reminiscing about passing emotions that the author, a year and a half previous, may have experienced as a result of the decease of the author's beloved domestic pet and the events leading up the the decease.
8. The holiday notes contained unpaid advertisements for the PEPSI COLA company. This is not fair to all of those other companies, those small, honest, mom-and-pop type companies that are trying, fruitlessly, to bring some beverage diversity to the world.
9. The holiday notes contained subtlety.
10. The holiday notes contained postmodernism.

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